Something’s missing.

Everything’s where it needs to be but something’s wrong. It’s complicated, isn’t it? It makes no sense, you can’t put your finger on it, but something’s missing deep inside you. And in the new memoir “Cloistered” by Catherine Coldstream, finding what’s absent may give you peace — for awhile.

Catherine Coldstream was just twenty-four when her father died.

He had been her rock — her compass. With the help of his elderly sister, he’d raised her, and his gentle, forgiving presence soothed her. But then Coldstream’s aunt died of cancer, and her father died shortly afterward, leaving her “adrift.” She could find little comfort for either loss, until she met a Dominican nun on her travels late one summer.

“Was the pale radiance from her calling out to me?” Coldstream wondered.

Hoping life as a nun might take her closer to Heaven, she began to explore the idea by visiting “monasteries of contemplatives” and a “more active outgoing” place in London before settling on the “radical and ancient Carmelite order…” Still, nothing quite fit what her soul needed or wanted. She needed order. She wanted more spartan, more strict.

When someone mentioned Akenside Priority, she knew she’d been called.

And so, Coldstream embraced life as a “Bride of Christ,” life in a cold cell of silence, comfort, and secrets that whispered to her every time she entered. She learned where it was permissible to talk, her place in line as she entered a room with others, and how to eat “Little Jug,” a meal of bread and tea in the morning. She learned how to pray, kneeling on a small stool; how to dress in yards and yards of fabric; and how to have visitors through “the grille,” a set of bars that allowed conversation but no physical contact.

And Sister Catherine was happy, until two sisters from another community moved in and were allowed to take over. She was happy — until she began to wonder if she could endure her vocation any longer.

Looking for something deliciously gossipy, even scandalous? You’ve got the wrong book, then, absolutely. Yes, there’s a bit of drama toward the end of “Cloistered,” but the lion’s share of this book is serenely meditative.

Or you could also call it slow, if you wish, because there is no rushing in “The Life.” Author Catherine Coldstream writes of days that begin before dawn and that include very regimented hours, chores, lean meals, worship, silence, and more worship — the latter three parts of which should tell readers most of what they need to know about Coldstream’s story. She describes the desolation and, at times, loneliness despite living with nineteen other women. It’s a life of joy, but also one of deprivation; of belonging, but also of desperately needing to escape.

Readers who are looking for a flashy memoir will be deeply disappointed in “Cloistered” because it’s about as far from flash as you can get. Conversely, readers who can love the reflective aspect of this book will not want to miss it.

“Cloistered: My Years as a Nun” by Catherine Coldstream
c.2024, St. Martin’s Press
$30.00
352 pages