It’s said when it comes to finding love “Every pot has a lid.”
If that’s true, I guess that’s why I’m a colander.
It’s bad enough being perpetually single 364 days of the year, but being single on Valentine’s Day is like pouring salt in a raw wound and rubbing it with sandpaper while listening to Jenifer Lopez sing.
Nobody wants to be a solo on Valentine’s Day when they should be a duo.
Every year on February 14th, it appears the entire world is in love and a gigantic spotlight is focused on those sorry single souls and letting the world know you’re just a table for one.
And there’s no escaping it no matter where you go on the 14th.
Restaurants offering romantic dinner specials, grocery stores with more flowers than a botanical garden and stores stocked with so many Valentine balloons, stuffed bears and heart shaped boxes of chocolates you’d think Cupid vomited all over the place.
There are heart-shaped donuts, pizzas, cookies, cakes and tarts.
Don’t forget the rose scented candles, boxer shorts covered in red hearts and those vile, taste like chalk conversation hearts.
And those sickening sweet and nauseatingly cute Valentine cards with images of fuzzy puppies.
And where do these card companies find these sharp as tacks scribes that write the greeting for these Valentine greeting cards? Last year my cat Braveheart sent me a Valentine asking, “What did the pine tree say to the maple tree on Valentine’s Day? ‘Wood you be mine?’”
I’m not sure which is more depressing, that my cat sent me a Valentine or the Valentine my cat sent me was the only one I received.
To avoid being lonely and loveless this Valentine’s Day and receiving cards from furry felines, here’s some advice I learned the hard way.
– Never say he reminds you of your grandfather.
– You’re just as weird as me, that makes us a perfect pair!
– You tell everyone I fell head over heels in love with you, but in reality, you tripped me.
– “Because you look so much older, you pay the check and they’ll give you a senior citizen discount” is never a wise thing to tell your 44-year-old girlfriend during a Valentine dinner.
– If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question?
– We make a great pair because we both think I’m fantastic.
– Love is blind, but marriage is the wakeup call.
– I was afraid of the dark until I saw you one night without makeup.
– Money can’t buy love its true, but what it can buy I really can use.
– I knew I loved you with all my heart the first time I passed gas in front of you and didn’t apologize.
– Fish sticks and chicken nuggets are not good entrée choices for a romantic surf and turf dinner.
– Love is a blissful dream. Marriage is the alarm clock.
– Unsure what to write on a Valentine’s Day card? Never use these words. Fleshy, colossal mistake, stench, electrolysis, diet, burning rash and weep uncontrollably.
No, you’re not fat, there’s just more of you to admire.
By Jeffrey Allen Federowicz
