Reader alert: This is a satirical column for some amusement for the holiday season. Enjoy!
There has been quite an uproar of late from an editorial in the Polar Post newspaper that their famous local resident, Santa Claus, is not a registered member of the Republican Party despite the claims of the North Pole Republican Party (NPRP). Snow Forrest, the director of the Department of Voter Services for WorldTop County in the North Pole, confirmed that neither Santa nor his wife had ever officially identified a political affiliation in all the years they lived there — which has been estimated as being somewhere around 800 years now. When the paper questioned why Mr. Claus and his wife had never registered, Santa responded that preparing Christmas gifts for children everywhere in the world is a 24/7/365 operation. They never had time to get around to doing it. And besides, he added, “everyone should know what party we belong to.”
With that, the Polar Post challenged both parties to make the case on where the political sediments of the Claus clan must lie. The NPRP quickly responded, noting that despite Mr. Claus’ timidity in ‘outing’ himself as a Republican, it was obvious that this is where his loyalties lie. He hits all the Republican trademarks: self-employed, running a rural, non-unionized, faith-based, small business, married to the same woman for a very, very, very long time, supports the coal industry, appears to be in good standing with the church since they made him a saint, and why else would he choose to dress in a red uniform? After all, is it possible to imagine a Democrat wearing that much red?
The Polar Post noted that there were dissenters among the Republican Party caucus, however, with concerns that Santa might not be as family oriented as generally thought of, given that he has no children of his own. It is true that he enjoys having children sitting on his lap, but that’s not quite the same thing. It is also rather disconcerting that Santa appears to have highly sophisticated surveillance instruments on these same children. And billions of unlawful home entries every year is not exactly a virtue that the party would like to highlight.
The North Pole Democrat Party (NPDP) also seemed to have some differences in their ranks about where Mr. Claus may stand. They did express concern that Santa Claus has a rather aggressive adherence to a binary naughty/nice standard that suggests quite a strong moral position that is not nuanced (as Democrats would prefer) based on race, gender, economic background, and other factors. Yet, based on evidence such as the film, “Miracle on 34th Street,” Santa can speak multiple languages and is quite the world traveler. Thus, he is obviously not an American First and Foremost Republican as much as an urban cosmopolitan who would be very comfortable voting for the Democratic ticket.
The NPRP fired back at the Dems that if that were true, then why doesn’t Santa support more diversity in his hiring practices? He sticks with small tiny elves because they work hard and he is a good employer; otherwise, why would they keep working for him? If he was worried about diversity, he would hire some tall, blond-haired elves like those in the Peter Jackson “Lord of the Rings” films. (Not the Amazon Prime “Rings of Power” elves, no one would want to hire them). And they also added that Santa must be in tight with the military (definitely a Republican trait) because how else can he invade US airspace year after year in a reindeer-powered, flying sled and not find himself becoming a Top Gun target?
The debate has been raging now back and forth for a month at the top of the earth, and there does not seem to be any consensus developing. There are those that are even suggesting that the isolationist condition in which Santa and his wife live; a completely sustainable commune that apparently generates its own electricity, creates its own food, and seems to need no outside assistance — speaks more of personal liberty, economic freedom and skepticism of the government of the Libertarian Party. Is Santa perhaps a closet Libertarian?
Being the diligent reporter that I am, I believed that Webb Weekly readers deserved to know the truth about their Christmas Eve delivery man. It took great effort, and I am sworn to secrecy on how I got Santa’s contact info, but when I finally got a hold of him on the phone, I begged him to answer the question — “Santa, what party do you really belong to?” He chuckled, “Ho, Ho, Ho. It is just like I said before, Larry; everyone should know what party I belong to. Isn’t it obvious? I belong to the Christmas Party!”
