Have you ever left the hair salon feeling emotional, in a bad way? I’ve suffered many a regrettable haircut, mostly in my teens and twenties, and after the birth of my second child, when I thought bangs were a good idea. Regardless of what phase of life you are in, a bad hairstyle is uncomfortable on many levels. And yes, while we can learn from our hair mistakes, it’s a lot less upsetting not to have made them in the first place. The best way I’ve been able to steer clear of hair regret here in my 40s is through not only clear communication but also a collaboration with my hairstylist.

First, figure out your hair vibe, which can and does change over time. Maybe you’re looking to evolve the style or cut you already have. Maybe it’s time for something totally fresh and different. Get a bit introspective and think about the year ahead, what you want to accomplish, and what, if any, internal goals may be on your horizon. Then consider how you want to present yourself to the world and how your hair can play into that. For the current season, I’m trying to put forth a calm, less stressed version of myself, so I’ve embraced a dark red color and loose waves for a more meditative feeling.

If you are going to a new stylist, ask for references from current clients. Also, be clear when booking your appointment that you want a thorough consult. If you already have a trusted stylist, you can also say you want a more in-depth consult than previous visits. Bring three photos of your dream haircut to your appointment/consult. However, while a photo may say a thousand words, it’s important to remember that a hairstylist is not a mind-reader. You want to verbalize your “vibe” to the best of your ability, using words along with the pictures. Walk through the different aspects of the cut, how you want it styled, and how it can be styled. Your ideal cut may not work well with your hair, so encourage feedback from the stylist. Let them know you’re open to any input or exploring other options in order to execute the feeling you want to achieve.

Also, keep in mind that what you consider “curtain bangs” might not be how the stylist interprets it, especially from a technical aspect, so be sure to clarify the terminology. You don’t want to ask for a “blunt cut,” thinking you’re asking for an “angled bob” and end up with a mullet. Or maybe you do, maybe 2022 is when you get serious about attending MulletFest; it’s your journey; who are we to judge.

Mullets aside, as you communicate and work toward an agreed-upon look, don’t be afraid to be yourself. Let them get to know you, share things like the type of work you do, what clothing styles you wear, and what you do on the weekend. This information is helpful. For example, you jog on Saturday mornings, and you want to put your hair up in a ponytail, after which you run errands. But if the stylist doesn’t know this and doesn’t leave you enough in the back, you end up with this weird hybrid pony and needing to wear a very unflattering headband to keep your hair out of your face, that then has you dripping in sweat and just looking a mess even for the grocery store. Again, this is a hypothetical, not something I’ve ever experienced.

Regardless of the ambiance you want to create or bring out in your follicles; it’s important to recognize that hair holds a lot of emotional energy. When feelings are low, some people skip washing their hair, or at the end of a long day, it can be rejuvenating to scrub your scalp and rinse out the stress. When big changes occur or big feelings are brewing, some people get a haircut to brighten their mood or symbolize the change they’ve gone through. The best way to avoid negative emotions, both self-inflicted and to spare the stylist’s feelings, is to do the work of communication and collaboration.