“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘new car interior’.” ~ Rita Rudner

The other day in a waiting room, I was browsing a magazine that had a perfume advertisement and sample strip targeted at women. It was called “Gabrielle” by Chanel.

I knew the scent was vaguely familiar. It took me a few minutes, and then the light bulb upstairs lit up. This perfume smelled exactly like — a powerful bug repellent I had at home in spray can form!

Thus, I am wondering if Chanel is working in unison with Dow Chemical to come up with this latest scent. It honestly made me ill the more that entered my fragile nostrils.

So ladies, what gives?

Are men now considered so menacing (like mosquitoes) that instead of trying to lure us in with a soft, sexy scent, you are pushing us away with a pungent poison?

My mother (who did use Chanel #5), and others of her age group would have never thought to put this rancid stuff on their body. And younger women have to have better choices. Fingers crossed.

My first girlfriend in junior high utilized a citrus scent. I would call her “Lemon head” because she smelled like a freshly cut lemon wedge each and every day. But it was her calling card, and no one was going to change it! I liked it, or should I say, became accustomed to it. You could smell her a mile away, or where she was just standing minutes ago. Lemons are known to be sour and tart, but because she bathed in this stuff (lemony lust?), she was sweet.

Perfume is big business. In 2017, the average American consumer spent $500 or more on fragrances. Overall, our nation spent $340 million on women’s fragrances. That’s nothing to sneeze at! In fact, it’s the sweet smell of success!

Men know what they are getting when they buy motor oil. Do women know that the typical $150 bottle of perfume only costs $1.20 to $1.50 to make? The bottle, box, and display carton cost four to six times more than the fragrance itself! I buy Mobil One in a simple plastic container. Not cheap, but highly effective. It’s also a better buy than perfume; women buy perfumes at the rate of one per month. My car uses Mobil One every 5,000 miles.

Perfume is supposed to act as an aphrodisiac out of an ornate bottle. However, it can work backward on occasion. Many men have been turned off by the scent of Trish McEvoy 9, said to be a “fruity vanilla blend.” Men said women wearing it were “walking cotton candy.”

Alas, sometimes both ends of the spectrum (younger women and older women) may actually be using too much perfume. “Your fragrance should never be perceived beyond an arm’s length; it should not precede you into the room,” an expert said.

There was a scent called “Angel” by Thierry Mugler that smells like chocolate fondue. Hmmm. Wouldn’t it be easier (and cheaper) to shower in melted Snickers bars or rub Kit Kats all over your tummy and underarms? Hey girls, try it, and I can call you “Baby Ruth.”

The scent “Ed Hardy” by Christian Audigier is said to provide a “youthful fragrance.” Tell me, what is youth supposed to smell like? Not to be confused (hopefully) with teen spirit! Said to be “energizing and invigorating” it’s a mixed aroma of red, ruby grapefruit, wild strawberry, and tropical mango.

Really? Sounds more like a new fruit juice concoction made by Ocean Spray! I drink that, not douse it over my body!

What’s actually in perfume? Groovy stuff like jasmine, gardenia, caramel, almond, amber, vanilla, sandalwood, neroli, dewberry, freesia, and cedar. Some perfume ingredients are animal products: castor comes from beavers, musk from male deer, and ambergris from sperm whales.

I won’t go on to tell you what chemicals are used in perfumes. You can’t even pronounce them. The names would scare a toxic waste site.

Coco Chanel once said, “a woman who doesn’t wear perfume has no future.” Perhaps, but this writer thinks she WILL have more money in her pocket.

It’s nice to know a woman can try to allure me into her world by smelling like a carnival, a candy bar, leather or a pumpkin pie. However, the G has gotten together with some Lycoming County women to devise some fresh new fragrances. Are you ready for these?

“Stone Hedge” – made to “rock any man’s world.” Actual bits of crushed boulder and sandstone are in it. Smells like a quarry pit or drilling hole. Endorsed by Betty Flintstone.

“Redline” – designed to attract men who love fast cars and, ahem, fast women. To be worn by non-Sunday drivers. Ingredients include octane booster, radiator fluid, and WD-40. Intoxicating! Comes with special key fob resembling a shift knob.

“Beez Nest” – the arresting scent of honey with milkweed and English green ivy. Men will be buzzing when you enter the room wearing this mixture! Let him be stung by love!

“Devil’s Kiss” – for the women out there who always feel a sin is coming on! A decadent but delightful blend of horse saddle extract, copper, and burnt oak wood. Smell resembles NYC unswept alleys during a heat wave! Sold in bright red bottles with pitch fork applicator.

“G’s Tease” – endorsed by Webb Weekly writer Gerry Ayers for females of all ages who want to show the world they are no shrinking violet! An overpowering aroma of — Gingerbread! Made especially for the woman who wants to be the cookie in a man’s jar! Ginger is known the world over for its merit. You’ve eaten and enjoyed it, perhaps made houses out of it, and now you can wear it!

“Beach Bomb” – aimed at young women 25 years and younger, this scintillating scent smells like hot sand and buttered popcorn. What man can resist that combination on your body?

See, there’s more to perfume than you (and I) ever thought. I must tell you of a new trend over the last few years. Women are wearing no scents at all. Too expensive? Too many choices? Too strong? Too many chemicals?

Again, I have it covered and coveted. For only $115 per petite bottle, you can buy the hottest perfume available right now. Called “Void Entry” it’s all natural ingredients and “can do no wrong” scent makes a man really know what you come down to as far as bare essentials.

Dab it on your wrists and the base of your neck, and wait, and wait and wait.

This bottled (and expensive if not exquisite) concoction smells like — nothing at all.