Whew! You dodged a bullet there.

The test came out well, you made the right call, your reaction time was lightning-fast, a decision came quick, and you saved yourself and the situation. Take a deep breath. You’ll live to fight another day, and with “99 Ways to Die” by Ashely Alker, MD, you’ll know what to watch out for tomorrow.

As “a board-certified death escapologist” who works in emergency rooms, Dr. Alker has seen it all — including things that are “terrifying, interesting, and unfortunate.” She’s fully aware of a lot of ways for the average human to leave this Earthly life.

Many of them are unnecessary, which is why she wrote this cautionary book.

Say, for example, you have a rash that you can’t explain. You didn’t lie in poison ivy or rub a Carolina Reaper on your skin. Better check with a dermatologist. That rash might be something mild — or it could be leprosy.

That leftover pizza on the counter looks good the next day, but don’t eat it. It could lead to botulism or another deadly food poisoning. Think an expired medicine is safe? It might be — or it might poison you. Do you really want to take a chance?

Stay away from wild animals, especially monkeys and bats. If you’re merely in a room with a bat, in fact, go directly to the hospital and get an anti-rabies vaccine. Don’t let yourself get too hot or too cold. Don’t lean on car doors during a lightning storm. Stay away from spiders, scorpions, and pretty much everything in the ocean and in Australia.

Swimming in a non-chlorinated pool of water can be dangerous, Alker says, especially if you get the water in your nose. Get vaccinated for tetanus, polio, hepatitis, measles, Covid-19, and whatever else your doctor recommends. Don’t ever minimize chest pain. To be totally safe, don’t sleep around and don’t get pregnant, she says.

And finally, “be nice to scientists; they have access to prehistoric zombie viruses.”

Of course, you want to live a long and healthy life. You know how to do that. Kind of. But what about the chancy things you do, the ones you don’t know might kill you? What about the ones you find inside “99 Ways to Die”?

Serious, and seriously funny, author Ashely Alker, MD guides readers through all the risky things that humans do, and exactly why we should not do them. Her first-hand ER stories are wildly interesting to read, and the information she offers is solid despite a gleefully wicked sense of humor that doesn’t hold back. Having this book will help keep you alive and it’s really a lot of fun to read — even if doing or avoiding some of the things you’ll learn are dangerous is sometimes no fun at all.

Grown-up readers of any age can find something in this book to learn and follow. though beware: there’s certainly some controversy here. Still, you can’t live without what you find in “99 Ways to Die,” so give it a shot.

“99 Ways to Die: And How to Avoid Them” by Ashely Alker, MD
c.2025, St. Martin’s Press
$30.00
369 pages