Wow, the fact that the Eagles Mere toboggan run is on the front cover tells you what kind of January weather we’ve had. It’s the first time in over a decade the Eagles Mere Volunteer Fire Department has been able to benefit from the topography and winter weather in Sullivan County. It is an amazing event that I recommend for the young and the young at heart. When my parents took me, they probably got tired of hearing me say, let’s do it again. I’m sure those words will be echoing across the lake as the toboggans reach the end of the journey.
Now, here’s some really good news: this is our last issue of January; we already have half an hour more daylight than just a month ago, and as I’m penning this, the folks in Punxsutawney are getting ready for Phil’s big appearance.
February is the shortest month of the year; before you know it, the calendar will read March. March 1st has always been my unofficial first day of spring. Sure, we can have more winter weather, but the end is in sight. That makes me want to go down that toboggan run because before too long, meteorologists will be reporting about the record heat, which is a new exclusive.
Now, to the breaking news exclusive you will only find in the Webb Weekly.
Pennsylvania’s most famous groundhog will not see his shadow, there will be an early spring. I have inside information that Phil will not be present at Gobbler’s Knob on February 2nd. No groundhog, no shadow, and no problem the way I see it.
Now for the real story: Punxsutawney Phil was made aware of what college mascots are now making due to the new college football playoff and the NIL money players are now receiving. If you are unaware, NIL stands for Name, Image, and Likeness. This has totally changed the landscape of college football, which is now professional football at the college level.
Unbeknownst to me — but definitely realized by Punxsutawney Phil — was that mascots are entitled to NIL money. Thus, Phil just simply made a business decision when he realized he was being undervalued by the guys in top hats, long coats, and ties in Punxsutawney. Penn State Head Coach James Franklin was even summoned to negotiate with the star of the show. Whatever happened, Punxsutawney Phil walked away through the port hole like many college players do. That is not a misprint; in Phil’s case, it was a port hole, not a portal.
I received a call from an anonymous whistleblower — Phil will now be working alongside Brutus the Buckeye at the Ohio State University. This makes complete sense based upon the Buckeyes’ 20-million-dollar payroll this year, coupled with the increased revenue created by their recent National Championship.
Neither Phil nor his agent answered my request for comment. Although Editor Steph received an invite to a press conference in Columbus, Ohio, on Groundhog Day, February 2nd.
This press conference discredits a rumor that Phil was taken into custody for being part of an illegal performance-enhancing drug ring. The purpose of the PEDs for groundhogs is recovery from automobile encounters. As the motorist speeds away, the groundhog is enabled by the PEDs to walk away. I’m told this is a big money racket in Western PA. By obtaining a copy of Phil’s most recent drug test, I was able to prove he was clean of any performance enhancers. There is a Phil’s legal defense fund now selling t-shirts saying Phil is clean, he left for the green.
No, I haven’t been out in the cold too long or hit my head at the toboggan run. I just figured with the cabin fever so many of us are feeling it was time for a little late January, or let’s call it, February Fool’s story. I know April is the appropriate month for spoofing. It’s also very expected, and hopefully, I’m outside on a warm spring day watching a baseball game.
No matter what you choose to do, get out and about and break up the monotony.
Let’s all be safe out there.
God Bless America.
