Don’t worry about me. Go enjoy yourself. I’ll stay here and be miserable. ~ Eeyore, Winnie the Pooh, written by A. A. Mine.
Gloom, despair, and agony on me. Deep dark depression, excessive misery. If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all. Gloom, despair, and agony on me. ~ Lyrics by Bernie Brillstein, Frank Peppiatt, and John Aylesworth.
Simon Peter’s personality changed after the crucifixion. His outspoken bluster and bravado were replaced with a sullen quiet. He was withdrawn — distracted by something troubling his spirit. Everyone noticed, but no one said a word. How could they? They were all guilty. The prophetic words of Jesus kept circling through their minds like vultures over a carcass: This very night, you will all fall away on account of me. Matthew 26:31
Simon Peter believed his guilt was worse than the rest. Every time someone called him Peter, the name Jesus had given to him, it deepened his despair. He was supposed to be The Rock. Some rock he turned out to be. He just wanted to be called Simon.
Simon was a man of action. He prided himself on having a clear and decisive mind and a strong and able body. He understood why Jesus had chosen him to be The Rock.
What he couldn’t understand was the fear that kept tripping him up. Why did his spine turn to jelly when he needed it the most? He thought about the day he had walked on water, But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Matthew 14:30
Stepping out of the boat was a profound display of courage — and then the wind blew. How quickly his bravery turned into a spectacle of fear. He felt so foolish.
That same feeling now haunted him constantly. How could he think of anything else? Every day started with the sound of a crowing rooster. He kept mumbling to himself: Three denials in one night. I despise the number three; I detest roosters; I hate myself.
The other vultures circling in his mind consisted of those three nagging questions: What have I done? What was I thinking? How could I have been so stupid?
Gravity was pulling Simon into a black hole of despair. Black holes are regions in space where an enormous amount of mass is packed into a tiny volume. This creates a gravitational pull so strong that not even light can escape. They are created when giant stars collapse and perhaps by other methods that are still unknown. Black holes have two parts. There is the event horizon, which you can think of as the surface, though it’s simply the point where gravity gets too strong for anything to escape. And then, at the center, is the singularity. ~ University of Chicago News Explainer Series Website
Simon was a giant star that had suffered a devastating collapse. The event horizon was his forceful denials of Jesus. It was creating the gravitational pull of guilt from which he knew his life would never escape. It also confirmed that the singularity at the center of his being would always be fear. It would define and destroy him.
We have no record of Simon taking the initiative to confess his denials. He certainly had opportunities to do so. He could have done it when the eleven were gathered on the morning of the resurrection. He could have confessed directly to Jesus when He appeared to the eleven later that day. You and I both know it was heavy on his mind. He didn’t do it. Why?
Like every other good man who has taken a fall, he was weighing His options. He was confident the other disciples were not aware of his cowardice. Jesus likely knew, but Simon wasn’t certain of it. Jesus hadn’t said anything, so maybe He didn’t know. Instead of confession, Simon chose silent despair. He continued that strategy after the miraculous catch of fish and the breakfast Jesus had prepared for them. Gravity was pulling him down, but grace had something better for Simon. John tells the story: When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.” Again, Jesus said, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” The third time he said to him, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” John 21:15-17
The third question confirmed what Simon had feared the most — Jesus knew all about his denials. The exposure was painful, but grace provided Simon with an exit ramp from the road to death — a way back to being Peter. He took it. It was a pivotal moment in Simon Peter’s life. Jesus then gave Peter a peek into his courageous future: Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. Very truly, I tell you, when you were younger, you dressed yourself and went where you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!” John 21:17-19
Peter would indeed give his life for Jesus. His courageous promise to Jesus would be kept: Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you. Matthew 26:35
Jesus assured Peter that the singularity of fear would be replaced with a singularity of Holy Spirit-infused courage. It was Peter’s best day.
Shame, regret, and guilt are elements of despair, a form of gravity that pulls people backward and chains them to the past. Despair causes a fallen man to think there is a fatal flaw, a singularity in his DNA, that cannot be corrected or overcome. A man in despair doesn’t have hopes and dreams. His life is ruined by regret and the death of what could have been.
Jesus had big plans for Peter. He has big plans for you, too, but they won’t happen if you keep dwelling on your failures. It’s time to leave the past behind and crawl out of your den of despair. Grace is pulling you upward toward hope, joy, peace, and purpose. There is so much good God has for you to accomplish. Receive His grace today. Confess to Him your failures. Receive His forgiveness — and then get up and get going. Today can be your best day!
