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ELF on the Shelf.

Tis the season, folks, and instead of sharing a story on sports, I’d like to chime in on something far more important. Yes, it’s time to talk about The Elf on the Shelf. For those of you without young children, this article might help explain that creepy little butthead now flooding your social media pages.

Jensen and I had a great run with our Elf on the Shelf. We called him ELFIE. It sure was fun. He became suspicious when he started riding the dang school bus. My son asked many tough questions. He was 15. Just kidding. I am thinking he was 8 or 9.

Unfortunately, it all came to a screeching halt. Jensen was helping Mom decorate, but he found his Elf in a tub. He was absolutely crushed. Jensen cried, but then it turned to sudden rage. He accused us of being liars. Jensen told us that we were bad parents. It was a tough pill to swallow. Our boy grew up overnight. Thankfully, he still believes in Santa Claus.

Where did all of this madness come from?

Legend suggests that the elves are residents of the North Pole. But that is definitely not the case, boys and girls. They don’t live in Greenland or the Northwest Territories either. The Elves of Shelves are made in China. It’s true. Read the fine print on the package. Beware of the new tariffs. The new Elves are $32.95 on Amazon Prime.

These Elves became a global phenomenon by a silly children’s picture book, The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition, published in 2005. Carol Aebersold and her daughter Chanda co-authored this epic poem. It turned them into multimillionaires. Their story was simple but a very entertaining read. I am a huge fan of their prose. Dope rhymes.

Here are the cliff notes.

A little elf was sent from Nunavut (The North Pole) to watch over some unruly children. It served as a scout and reported directly to Santa. The Elf would leave and return that same evening. It would take up a new position in the child’s dwelling. By hiding in a new spot each morning, the scout elf plays an ongoing hide-and-seek game with the entire family. Yes. The Elf is technically a Russian spy. They had nothing to do with collusion or fixing the last two presidential elections. No Trumpsters.

“There’s only one rule that you have to follow, so I will come back and be here tomorrow: Please do not touch me. My magic might go, and Santa won’t hear all I’ve seen, or I know.” #elfontheshelf.

Scout elves get their magic by being named and loved. This Christmas mojo allows the Elf to fly to and from the North Pole. But never touch an elf, for they will lose their powers. Trust me. It happened to our neighbors up the road.

Please keep them out of the sun and try not to get them wet. And no matter how much an elf begs or cries- never feed them after midnight. Relax. It’s from another movie, kids. Gremlins. Another one of my holiday favorites. A close second behind Die Hard.

Humans are responsible for all of the bedlam and mischief. HIDE AND GO SEEK with the Elf got boring, and now, it’s controlled chaos among us parents. OK, I admit. I still enjoy seeing all the pictures and posts about the elves who get into trouble. I was quite good, and my young friends are so dang creative. Pinterest helps. Some ideas are original. My personal favorites tend to include other action figures holding the elf hostage. I have one pal who constantly uses a Barbie. Oh. It has gotten rather raunchy. I would explain in more detail, but this is a family paper. Hilarious.

These elves are alive and still trending. It’s one of my favorite holiday traditions. Please keep it going. Post away, parents. Jensen has pledged to keep the fun going for the other generations. I have to bribe him every Black Friday. Enjoy it. Oh, the memories. Happy Holidays. Go, Muncy! Cheers.