It had been a busy week at the sports wing of the Pearly Gates. Lots of folks were checking in, so much so that the Lord and his crew had opened an express lane with instructions to ask only one question of those seeking entrance. That one question was‚ who’s your favorite team?
As the line stretched far into the heavens, an eager fan answered, “The St. Lous Cardinals.” “Very good,” was the reply. “Please proceed to room 41, but please be quiet, passing room 27.”
The next fan answered the question, stating, “The New Orleans Saints.” Again, the reply was “Very good. Please proceed to room to room 111, but please be quiet, passing room 27.”
Waiting his turn, a third fan replied, “The Holy Cross Crusaders.” “Wonderful,” was the reply. “Please proceed to room 77, but please be quiet, passing room 27.”
“Why should I do that?” the Holy Cross fans asked. “What’s so special about room 27?”
Softly, the Lord responded, “Because the Yankee fans are in that room, and they believe they are the only ones up here!” He then handed the Holy Cross fan a disclaimer, asking him to read it.
“It must be tough to cheer for the team with the deepest pockets in American professional sports — the team with 16 more World Series titles than its closest competitor. That’s the only way to explain the magic mix of aggressive anger and unbridled superiority that defines Yankees fans. They are loud, obnoxious, and impossible to please, but also want you to know they ‘really know baseball.’ The only saving grace is that the Yankees have gone without a World Series since 2009, which is an eternity for some of the most annoying fans on earth.”
As a precautionary reminder, the Pearly Gates is also in possession of dossiers on a myriad of other fan bases that might have a local interest. For information purposes only:
Penn State Football – “There is a lot of smug self-satisfaction from Penn State fans of a program that hasn’t won a national championship since 1986. James Franklin clearly has the program knocking on the door; it still feels like there is a major gulf between the Nittany Lions and the sport’s true-blue blood. If we have to hear one more time about the unique energy at a prime time “white out” game, the entrance eligibility rules may have to be reviewed.”
Philadelphia Eagles – “It’s almost passe to say that Eagles fans are terrible. They take pride in it at this point. Still, Eagles fans are terrible. Not all of them, to be fair. There are plenty of pure-hearted die-hards that bleed green. There are also plenty of people who act badly because they want to live down to the city’s reputation for boorish behavior. That’s equal parts dumb and infantile and lands them here.
Pittsburgh Steelers – “The Steelers have won six Super Bowls, tied for the most in post-merger history. You are not safe from this annoying phenomenon. Steelers fans are everywhere. They are not shy about where they are from, and they will tell you.
Dallas Cowboys – “The Cowboys haven’t reached the NFC championship game, let alone the Super Bowl, since 1995. Still, they receive an immense amount of media coverage, and their fans constantly expect a title, whether the rooster suggests one is possible or not. Cowboys fans are also everywhere, and they want you to know the Cowboys are America’s team. They think they are the best fans around and are hyper-loyal. Also, most of them haven’t set foot in Dallas once in their lives.”
Notre Dame Football – “They haven’t won a national championship in 32 years. Interestingly, there are probably around 32 million fans who claim Notre Dame as “their team” despite not having attended the school. Yet each year, ND fans will lecture you about how this year is going to be different. The only thing that makes all the unearned arrogance bearable is that the Irish reliably come up short anytime they play a truly great team.”
Boston Red Sox – “Remember when Red Sox fans were borderline likable? Then came the down 0-3 comeback against the Yankees in 2004. Everything since has changed. The Red Sox have won three more World Series since the 2004 curse-breaker, but you wouldn’t know it by listening to their fans whine all day, every day. Nothing is ever good enough in Boston, and no fans are more deserving of success; just ask them.”
Chicago Cubs – “Everything that made Cub fans fun when the team was a loser — the drinking, the lamentations about the team’s struggles, the leaning into the loveable loser status — disappeared instantly when they won the World Series. Immediately, they became even worse than Red Sox fans. Cubs fans are spoiled, entitled, and whiny, and somehow manage to retain a put-upon vibe. These are the nicest things that can be said about them. It is tempting to blame Joe Maddon for some of that dynamic, but it hasn’t improved since his departure.”
There have been plenty of prophetic scouting reports compiled over the years, and the Pearly Gates has quite a crew. Take the aforementioned as it was intended, a fun-filled look in the mirror. Keep on rooting!
