Of all the spiritual disciplines, forgiveness may be the hardest. Why?

First, because we simply cannot forget the offense. Long-term memories are stored securely in the brain. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some offenses actually grow worse as we grow older. Others grow worse as we obsess on them — making them loom bigger in memory than they were in reality.

Second, because the past is permanent, it just can’t be undone. The ripple effect of offense goes on and on — altering the course of life and acting as a constant reminder of the initial offense.

Third, because we want confession and restitution, we want the offender to own what they have done, and we want them to make us whole again. The trouble is, it’s hard to get confession and restitution when the offender is unrepentant, gone, or dead.

Fourth, because revenge is more desirable than forgiveness, forgiveness feels like it minimizes the offense or lets the offender off the hook. Revenge forces the offender to suffer equal loss. An eye for an eye seems about right.

Like us, Peter struggled with forgiveness. He asked Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Matthew 18:21

My guess is that Peter was being magnanimous. Let’s face it, forgiving someone seven times seems a bit much. In context, Jesus does give direction for what to do when a fellow Christian sins against you, but multiple hits from the same person are always hard to swallow.

Jesus’ answer to Peter hits us the same way it hit him, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:22

Jesus always takes holy living to a level that is humanly impossible to attain. Seriously, if we struggle with forgiving three times, how on earth are we going to do it seventy-seven times?

But that’s the point. We can’t live the Christian life under our own power. It’s just not possible. For us to live a holy life requires the full surrender of our lives to the transformational grace of God. There is no other way. So, like it or not, forgiveness is the standard — and we must find the grace to forgive.

Forgiveness is important to God for two main reasons: freedom and potential. If we are imprisoned by bitterness or regret, then we cannot participate in a truly loving relationship with God or each other. True love can only be given and received by a free person — and to be free, we must forgive.

Our holy potential also requires freedom. Potential is all about the future — and it’s impossible to grow into the future if we are imprisoned by the past. To reach our potential, we must be set free from bitterness and regret.

So how does a Christian find the grace necessary to forgive? Here are some steps to get us moving in the direction of forgiveness:

Step 1: Acknowledge the offense. Don’t explain it away, excuse it, minimize it, or pretend it didn’t happen. Be honest about it. Doing so is hard because it reveals vulnerability — an admission that the perpetrator had the power to hurt us. Keep in mind, God cannot release the grace to forgive until we are willing to admit we’ve been hurt. Redemption always begins in confession — even if it’s our confession that we’ve been hurt.

Step 2: Share the pain with God and trusted confidants. God will let us grieve without judgment — and so will trusted confidants. They will sit quietly in the ashes with us as we pour out the pain in our hearts. See Job 2:11-13. (Christian friend, if someone shares their pain with you, don’t talk; just listen. Let them grieve. Job’s friends did just fine until they started talking in Job 3. Most everything they said was wrong. More often than not, our grieving friends don’t need us to fix them; they just need us to be present and listening.)

Step 3: Love the offender by seeing them as lost, sick, or unaware. Doing so introduces redemption into the story. Jesus commanded us to love our enemies. Doing so is more plausible if we see them as broken rather than evil. That’s what Jesus did for the crowd who crucified Him. From the cross, He demonstrated love for His executioners by praying, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34

Step 4: Release to God the desire for revenge. Meditate on Romans 12:19, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” Are we willing to trust in God’s vengeance? He’s the only one Who can see the heart — so the work of revenge is best left to Him.

Step 5: Ask God to release the grace to forgive. Forgiveness is hard, and we need God’s grace to give it. Forgiveness is always a miracle of grace. That’s the point of the old saying, to err is human; to forgive, divine.

Step 6: Live the forgiving life. Rarely is forgiveness a one-time event. The memory of an old offense can be easily triggered, reintroducing the offense and the pain. Every time it happens, the discipline of forgiveness and redemption must overcome it — even seventy-seven times.

Step 7: Rejoice as God makes redemption the legacy. God redeems all things — even our loss and pain — and in the end, redemption is all that matters. Take it from a guy who has spent nearly forty years working with grieving families; forgiveness and redemption are far better legacies than bitterness and regret.

It is hard to forgive, but it is much harder to live in a prison of bitterness and regret. Begin taking steps toward forgiveness and redemption. You will be set free, and God will redeem your loss and pain as He releases your holy potential — hallelujah!