Relationships are sometimes messy. All of them — marriages, siblings, co-workers, teammates, neighbors, best friends, or even brothers and sisters in Christ. Life has a way of throwing an occasional curveball that can introduce stress and drama into even the best relationship. If you have a relationship that is stressed, then I encourage you to keep reading this article. The relational truth that Jesus teaches is foundational to keeping our relationships fresh and at peace. And if a relationship is persistently negative, He lets us know that it is wise to build appropriate and respectful boundaries. Jesus’ pattern for confronting relational stress is found in Matthew 18:15-17,

If your brother or sister sins against you, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they still refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Jesus cuts right to the chase by letting us know that brothers and sisters will sometimes step on each other. Contrary to what some people think, human beings are not perfect. While we are growing in our maturity, mistakes, missteps, and outright failures are going to happen. We’re not in heaven yet, so we are still a work in progress.

To make matters worse, the process of communication is fraught with nuance. Word usage, body language, timing, voice inflection, context — all of these dynamics weigh heavily into the meaning intended, or the interpretation given, to any statement. This is especially true in digital communication. Emojis have become the rage as we try to convey the right feelings into our digital communications. Let me assure you; they don’t always work. : )
Step One

Jesus gives us a simple and time-proven directive for what to do when we step on each other: go to your brother or sister and point out their fault, just between the two of you. He presents this face-to-face form of confrontation as step one in the conflict resolution process.
Clarification and Feedback

This first step is highly effective. So much so that rarely is step two even necessary. It is amazing what can be accomplished in a face-to-face talk. Take note: email and text do not fit the first-person standard. And while the telephone is a better option when needed, nothing replaces face-to-face communication and the opportunity for instant clarification and feedback. Email and text do not work for conflict resolution because they lack the essential components of clarification and feedback. Without these, confrontation turns into an unending diatribe of assumptions and accusations that are often baseless. We’ve all received those kinds of long and accusatory emails. It can get very ugly. And more often than not, such awful messiness can be avoided by simply having a face-to-face conversation. This is first-person living.
It’s Not Easy

Confrontation is difficult, and most of us are not wired for it. But Jesus is very concerned that we are living in peace, so even though it’s hard, He commands us to do it anyway. Don’t use fear as an excuse – Jesus wants us to live in peace.

Avoiding confrontation allows stuff to grow in the dark— stuff that isn’t good. The best answer is to introduce light, and that was Jesus’ intent when He commanded us to go directly to our offender. In I John 1:5-7 we read,

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him, there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

If we walk in the light, we have fellowship with one another — that’s good stuff!

Confrontation will sometimes reveal that we are also an offender. But again, the best answer is light — so confrontation is necessary — even if doing so reveals my mistakes. Face-to-face confrontation isn’t easy, but it is essential.

Step one is step one. To move on to step two before completing step, one is to shoot before ready and aim. Doing so amplifies the conflict through uninformed speculation and jumping to conclusions — and it goes against the direct command of Jesus. He put it in this order for a reason. Don’t go off half-cocked; it will only make things worse.

Step Two

Step one doesn’t always work, though, in my experience, it works 99% of the time. On the rare occasion that it doesn’t, Jesus gives us the next step: take one or two others along so that every matter can be established by testimony. Sometimes other people have first-hand awareness of the matter and can help to bring validity to the confrontational process. Being an eyewitness is important because second-hand information is rarely useful. But when first-hand witnesses are available, having support can help to win the person over. Be cautioned: this is not about ganging up on someone. The purpose is to establish the matter by reliable testimony and to move the person toward confession, repentance, restitution, and peace.

Step Three

Tell it to the church? Or to the whole family? Or to the whole team? That seems extreme —but if someone is unwilling to listen to the eye-witness testimony of two or three people, then something is wrong, and everyone needs to be aware so that proper boundaries can be established for protection. Healthy boundaries allow us to continue relating to a troubled person without opening ourselves to constant abuse.

Is there a relationship in your life that is causing you pain? It’s probably time to get together and clear the air. Don’t skip that first step. Peace may be just a first-person conversation away.