The Taxman Cometh

If you drive a car, I’ll tax the street
If you try to sit, I’ll tax your seat
If you get too cold, I’ll tax your heat
If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet
– The Beatles

Call me a masochist. I like doing my taxes. Always have, and God willing, always will. First the city, then the state, and what’s left is really great — the federal return!

Only 33% of all Americans take it upon themselves to do their own. 56% say someone else prepares their taxes. 11% don’t know who does their taxes. Are you kidding me?

When asked how they “feel” about doing their own taxes, 26% hate it, 30% dislike it, 29% like it and 5% love it.
I get a funny feeling in my tummy around mid-February. It’s not Cupid’s arrow ready to pierce me; it’s the IRS. Looming tax forms due by April. It’s a fine time to sharpen up my math and to read instructions properly.

My parents never complained about filing their own taxes, so maybe whining about them is a heredity issue. I mean, we are told a root canal procedure hurts, but if you’ve never had one done, does it really hurt? Technology and anesthesia, you know.

To me, handing over sacred W2 slips, 1099s, IRA info, and everything else my working life revolves around is not only a breach of privacy but a cop out.

I was shown by second grade how to add, subtract, multiply, and divide. People, this is basic math, not rocket science. I’ve had plenty of time (four decades and counting) to refine those skills and put them to use.

Mistakes happen. The IRS knows we aren’t perfect. Once or twice I owed them, and once or twice they owed me for an error. But they contacted me, and all was cool. Cheat them on purpose, and it’s another matter altogether. Game on. You lose.

The tax forms don’t show where your money is being spent. However, I can bet a bundle is for a new aircraft carrier, some for welfare programs, and some for wasted research on why monkeys eat bananas. Or maybe an FBI toga party. At least I contributed!

Years ago I wrote a spoof article that said the government was going to start taxing our sleep. A monitor was to be worn by all working adults — the more shut-eye you got, the more you would be taxed. Some senior citizens took my word for this as real, and the Webb phone line buzzed off the hook.

So maybe next year, our government will tax your pet(s). Labeled “domesticated animal activation act,” there will be a 20% tax on all pet food, pet toys, leashes, dog houses, and scratching posts. All pets under your roof must be reported, and unlike a child, it won’t be a deduction. In fact, each pet means a $300 payment to the Feds.

Revenue from this new tax shall be put towards a huge wall bordering the southern states to keep out lizards, tarantulas, coyotes, and tumble weeds from entering our country.

Making things even more challenging, I itemize my deductions instead of taking the lump sum standard deduction. Property and school taxes, mortgage interest, medical expenses, IRA contributions, donations. That means you have to be a stickler for keeping track of all paperwork during the year.

Most people aren’t capable of finding their last grocery store receipt, let alone the aforementioned list. That’s why it pains them to prepare a tax form. They aren’t fully prepared!

It’s a mindset. “My 2017 taxes will be so much fun, so entertaining, I won’t be able to contain myself,” I say. Thus, like Super Bowl Sunday, I sit at a large table surrounded by bowls of comfort food, pens, and pencils, a calculator, and a Bible — and an oversize eraser.

I tap in the numbers, shovel some licorice bites into my mouth, and pray it comes out in my favor.

Oops. Forgot to add the 1099 miscellaneous income. Silly me. That’s why I do a “practice form.” I make a paper airplane out of the error-prone form and throw it across the room into the wall. A real fighter jet (F-35A) costs $100 million per plane. That makes the old F-16 it replaces a “bargain” at $40 million per unit. See, doing your own taxes gives you a real sense of what things cost our government.

If I owe, I am actually sending a payment to the US government. In return, they produce missiles, boats, planes, and tanks to protect our soil and save our souls from being outdated by other high tech countries.

Some people would rather do anything than sit and do their taxes. This includes eating nails. Man up people, it’s not that hard. Unless you own 20 corporations, a small island, several Lear jets, and are worried about capital gains taxes, you should be just fine. A real walk in the park.

I liked it when I could gather up all the necessary forms and instruction booklets at the local library or IRS office. No more. Now you have to download them off the Internet or knock on some doors in Washington, DC.

Remember, by doing your own taxes you see how much the big guys are getting (gouging) from all your paychecks. And the joy of getting a refund is like a winning lottery ticket, but instead of relying on chance, you calculated your prize.

To be honest, it’s not the refund money I think about spending. It’s the amount of money I saved by doing it myself. The National Society of Accountants showed that the average cost of professional tax preparation is $261. That’s for a basic 1040 tax form with itemized deductions plus a state tax return.

For this writer, that’s not pocket change. And about that upcoming pet tax…

If you own a bird, I’ll tax his turd
If your cat has a jaw, I’ll tax his paw
If your dog is dark, I’ll tax his bark
If your fish has a tail, I’ll tax his scales
If your duck lives in a shack, I’ll tax his quack

It’s true. If they can “penalize” you on your tax form for not opting to have health insurance (gone in 2018), then they can create a tax for just about anything, including your animal.