Valentine’s Day is upon us, and love is in the air! Or maybe that’s just the smell of desperation mixed with discount chocolate and regret. Either way, if you’re looking for a date this February 14th, I have compiled the absolute best* advice to ensure your Valentine’s Day is as romantic and memorable as possible*. Proceed with caution — because this advice is so good, you’ll have the whole roster on your doorstep!
1. Make a Grand Gesture (For a First Date)
There’s no better way to say “I’m perfectly sane” than showing up to your first date with a boombox perched precariously over your head, belting out an epic 80s power ballad outside their home. Extra flair points if you’ve only exchanged a handful of texts before this! There’s nothing quite like launching a romantic evening by pushing the limits of good taste and possibly the local noise ordinance.
2. Show Up Unannounced
Surprises are romantic, right? Nothing makes someone fall head over heels like answering the door in sweatpants to find you standing there with a heart-shaped pizza and a dozen gas station roses. If you really want to make an impression, go to their workplace and declare your love via interpretive dance.
3. Overshare Immediately
Honesty is key in any budding relationship, so why save the juicy bits? Within mere moments of meeting, dive into your most intimate secrets. Unveil your childhood fears, elaborate on your exes’ restraining orders, and casually mention that you’ve already chosen potential names for your future children. After all, people are often drawn to such boldness!
4. Compare Them to Your Ex
A surefire way to win someone’s heart? Let them know how they measure up against your past relationships. “Wow, you actually showed up on time! My ex was always late.” Nothing says romance like an emotional baggage claim.
5. Go All Out… on a Coupon Date
There’s nothing more attractive than financial responsibility, so make sure your date knows you’re frugal. Order the cheapest thing on the menu, present a two-for-one Groupon, and tip in pocket lint. If they can’t appreciate a budget-conscious partner, are they even worth your love?
6. Play Hard to Get… Like, REALLY Hard
Love is a game, so play it like an unsolvable escape room. Take days to respond to texts, pretend not to remember their name, and when they finally ask you out, say, “I don’t know… maybe in six to eight business months?” People love a good mystery.
7. Insist on a Double Date… With Your Parents
Want to showcase your strong family ties? Bring your parents along for the date! Extra kudos if they decide to conduct a deep-dive interrogation regarding your date’s income, future aspirations, and readiness for grandkids. Nothing says “I’m serious” like a family evaluation!
8. Propose Immediately
Why wait around? After an hour of acquaintance, why not go big or go home? Present the question with a vending machine ring and a heartfelt monologue about your undeniable connection. Nothing screams romance louder than a hasty commitment on the very first date!
So there you have it — the most incredible strategies* for navigating the chaotic waters of Valentine’s Day dating.
*But please, for the love of all things holy, do not follow this advice. Seriously, just don’t. This insight offers no guarantees, and Webb Weekly, along with its affiliates, highly advises you to disregard every single piece of counsel offered in this article. Webb Weekly cannot be held accountable for any physical altercations or legal troubles that might arise from taking this advice. However, should any of these ridiculous suggestions unexpectedly work out, I’d kindly expect an invitation to the wedding!
Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all!
