I have written quite a lot in the past about success, goal setting, and similar topics, and what I have come to realize is that their connection to satisfaction is ultimately how we measure it. All too often, I come across people in the news, on TV, and in life who are successful by all normal metrics. They have a big house, a fat bank account, and a beautiful spouse. But then we find out they are actually miserable. How is this possible? Don’t they have everything society values?

What is actually happening is that there are conflicting values at play. There are the things by which we measure success and happiness, and there are the things by which society measures success and happiness. In my example, the wealthy person with a big house and an attractive spouse has what society says should make them happy. By society’s measures, they are successful, yet they are still unsatisfied. If, however, they changed their measure of success to be more in line with their values instead of what society tells them to value, they would most likely find satisfaction. Admittedly, this can be a challenge.

Social media has us on a 24/7 cycle of beautiful, smiling people that are driving high-end cars and living in expensive houses. Advertisements tell us that we could be happy if we only had the latest device or product or wore the right clothes. We are told that if our lives are less than perfect, happiness is just a click away. Ultimately, we have the power to change everything that makes us who we are because, according to society, who we are isn’t good enough.

So, how do we correct this? We need to change how we measure success. This will be somewhat different for everyone. Don’t get me wrong, money is important, but only if it allows us to obtain the things we need and, occasionally, the things we want. Beyond that, it does not contribute much to our lives. Just look at the headlines as a celebrity commits suicide seemingly every other day. We need to think deeply about what is truly important to us. Is it our spouse, children, friends, a job we love, or volunteering? Then, use that to measure success.

Is our relationship with our partner healthy? Do we care about the other person more than ourselves and vice versa? Are our children well-adjusted and thriving? Do we help people throughout the day? Ultimately, is the world better because we are in it?

These are questions we need to ask; not how you can gain more material possessions. Again, there is nothing wrong with having things, but value needs to be placed on relationships. If those relationships are strong, then you can look in the mirror and feel confident that you are successful.

As a funny side note, I was recently quoting Tyler Durden to my son. If you don’t recognize the name, you might recognize the title of the book, and later movie, of which he was one of the main characters — “Fight Club.” The book was written by Chuck Palahniuk in 1996 and was made into a movie that was released in 1999. The story is told by an unnamed narrator that hates his job and is generally dissatisfied with life. At the risk of spoiling the book and the movie, the main character develops an alter ego, Tyler Durden, that is everything the narrator wishes he could be. As silly as this sounds, there were a few lines of sage wisdom that writer Palahniuk came up with. I paraphrase, “You are not your job; you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet — advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate, so we can buy stuff we don’t need, to impress people we don’t like.”

So, measure your success by the value you bring to your relationships. Help people every chance you get. You don’t need to fix everything; just try to fix some things. Last, play a small but active part in making the world a better place. As those relationships grow stronger and multiply, so will your success and satisfaction in life.