Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever. ~ Mark Twain

I mentioned last week that I wasn’t even ready for Christmas as I was writing my article, let alone New Year’s. So now, here I sit, just a couple of days before the New Year contemplating what my goals and resolutions for 2019 should be. After much consideration, I have compiled my list. So without further ado, my goals for the upcoming year:

– Keep my houseplant alive for another year.
– Drink more water than coffee.
– Drink more water than whiskey.
– Drink more water than beer — I think I’m getting off track here.
– Take more naps.
– Watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube.
– Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out.
– Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while eating McDonald’s and speeding through crosswalks in school zones with a frost covered windshield.
– Eat more fruit… snacks.
– Visit the grocery store more often than restaurants, especially when free samples are being served.
– Put more embarrassing items in random peoples carts while shopping at Wal-Mart.
– Squeeze the tube of toothpaste from the end and not the middle.
– Pet more cats.
– Be more assertive — if that’s okay with you guys?
– Exercise (my right to eat) more (tacos).
– Consider taking up a new hobby such as procrastination — ehhh maybe later.
– Believe in something, like for instance, “I believe I’ll have another drink.”
– Love myself the way Kanye loves Kanye.
– Start following my list and stop letting Target decide what I need.
– Be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full — with either vodka, or whiskey.
– Finally, to accomplish all the goals of 2018, which I should have done in 2017, because I promised them in 2016 and planned them in 2015.

I hope you all enjoyed your New Year’s, and that you are making plans for an amazing 2019. I hope you all have a happy and healthy New Year! And may all your problems last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions!