Well friends, Valentine’s Day is sneaking up on us again — which means grocery store aisles full of heart-shaped candy, last-minute flower runs, and at least one person realizing on February 13th that they were supposed to plan something weeks ago.
Every year, we see articles promising the perfect date night — candlelit dinners, grand romantic gestures, and elaborate plans that require reservations, babysitters, and possibly a second mortgage. Around here, though, we know love usually looks more like takeout on the couch, a quick stop at the same restaurant you go to every week or arguing over what movie to watch while someone falls asleep halfway through.
So once again this year, instead of offering helpful relationship tips, I’m bringing you something way more entertaining and possibly more dangerous: a list of Valentine’s Day dating advice that you should absolutely, positively not follow.
You’ve been warned.
1. Plan Absolutely Nothing
Why make reservations when you can just “wing it” on the busiest date night of the year? Show up at a restaurant with a two-hour wait and confidently say, “We’ll hang out and see what happens.” Romance thrives on hunger and mild resentment.
2. Buy the Weirdest Gift Possible
Skip the flowers and chocolates. Instead, give your date something deeply confusing — like a single potato, a novelty singing fish, or a decorative throw pillow featuring your own face. Nothing says “I care” like a gift that raises more questions than answers.
3. Overshare Immediately
First dates are the perfect time to explain your entire life story, including your most embarrassing middle school moments, your irrational fear of geese, and that one time you tried to cut your own bangs. Mystery is overrated. Emotional whiplash is memorable.
4. Compare Everything to Your Ex
“Wow, my ex used to order that exact same thing!”
“This restaurant reminds me of my ex.”
“You laugh just like my ex.”
If you want your date to develop a sudden and urgent need to be somewhere else, this is the fast track.
5. Make It Competitive
Keep score throughout the evening. Who opened more doors? Who told the funnier joke? Who ate the last mozzarella stick? Nothing builds romance like turning dinner into the Olympic Games of Passive Aggression.
6. Bring a Surprise Plus-One
Nothing says romance like showing up with your best friend, your cousin, or your extremely judgmental aunt “just to hang out.” Bonus points if nobody warned your date in advance.
7. Communicate Only in Movie Quotes
Why speak normally when you can respond to every question with dramatic lines from romantic comedies? Sure, it’s confusing — but it’s also a great way to make people wonder if you’ve lost your Wi-Fi…or your grip on reality.
8. Take Relationship Advice from the Internet (Especially This Article)
If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that anonymous online advice is clearly the foundation of all healthy relationships. Ignore communication, kindness, and mutual respect — just follow a list written by someone who probably ate cereal for dinner last night.
OK, OK — One Real Thought Before We Go
In all seriousness, Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be big, fancy, or perfect. Around here, the best moments are usually the simple ones — grabbing coffee together, sharing a laugh, supporting each other through busy weeks, and remembering that love is more about showing up than showing off.
Whether you’re celebrating with a partner, your family, your friends, or a big bag of half-price candy on February 15th, I hope your Valentine’s Day is filled with laughter — and slightly better advice than anything you read above.
On the very off chance that you take any of this advice and it actually works, I fully expect an invitation to the wedding!
Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all. And please…leave the singing fish at home.
