Well, y’all — it’s that time again. Lycoming Crossings is whispering back-to-school sales, Walmart’s notebook shelves are already picked clean, and your teenager has entered their final form: a nocturnal, snack-consuming, eye-rolling machine.
I’m not ready; you’re not ready, but time keeps on tickin’, tickin’ tickin’…
Back-to-school season is upon us, whether we’re ready or not (again, we’re not). But fear not! With a little planning, a lot of caffeine, and a strong support group, we can all get through this together.
Undo the Vampire Sleep Schedule
Your teen currently goes to bed at 2 a.m., sleeps till noon, and only rises for Wawa runs and TikTok. Unfortunately, homeroom is not at 1:15 p.m., and school will expect them to function during what they currently consider “REM time.”
Ease them into reality. Start by waking them before McDonald’s stops serving breakfast. Yes, they will groan like a dying moose. Yes, they’ll claim sleep deprivation is a human rights violation. Just remind them that 7 a.m. is coming for them like their op from the chat.
Reclaim the Backpack from the Abyss
Check last year’s backpack. No, really. Do it. Right now. We’ll wait.
What’s that smell? A gym sock and half a Slim Jim from April? Ah, the sweet scent of public education. Hose it out. Then refill it with whatever random combination the school supply list demands this year.
Pro tip: Buy five packs of mechanical pencils now. You’ll be down to one chewed-up nub by Labor Day.
Shop Smart, Shop Alone
If you take your teen shopping, just accept that you will have a 20-minute debate about whether they need a $45 gel pen set “for their aesthetic.” Want peace? Go solo. Grab a coffee from Alabaster and hit Target with the stealth of a ninja and the budget of a parent who’s already paying for school pictures, yearbooks, and that one required calculator that costs more than your first car.
Run Practice Mornings
Getting a teenager up and out the door by 7 a.m. is an Olympic-level sport. Start training now.
• 6:15 a.m.: Softly knock on the door.
• 6:17: Knock louder.
• 6:19: Bang on the door while yelling, “You will miss the bus!”
• 6:22: Hear a muffled “I KNOW” from under five blankets.
• 6:30: Threaten to take away their phone. They will emerge. It’s science.
Reintroduce “Real Pants”
At some point this summer, your teen made the full transition from shorts to pajama pants to wearing a hoodie in 90-degree weather “because it’s cozy.” Start easing them back into clothes with buttons. If they resist, remind them the school dress code has Opinions™.
Also, buy socks. They have none. You know they have 43 pairs. They can’t explain it either.
Brace for the Forms, the Fundraisers, and the Fees
Once school starts, you’ll be buried in papers faster than a snowstorm hits Route 15. Emergency contact sheets. Handbook signatures. Chromebook fees. The PTA wants your email. The band boosters want your wallet. And someone’s selling cookie dough. Again.
Say it with me now: I will not make eye contact during pickup, or I’ll end up volunteering.
Celebrate Survival (Briefly)
That first day of school? You’ve earned it. Take the classic first-day photo (bonus points if your teen refuses to smile and holds a sarcastic sign like “Send Help”). Wave goodbye, drive off, and treat yourself. Whether it’s a latte or an uninterrupted trip to Target where no one asks for snacks — soak in the moment. And when you get home, take a moment to appreciate the quiet. You’ve survived the first day of school. You’re a hero. But don’t get too cozy. The school will be calling by 9:30 a.m. because your kid forgot their gym clothes, inhaler, and possibly their will to live.
Remember, it’s all part of the back-to-school adventure. Embrace the chaos, laugh at the absurdity, and know that you’re not alone. Welcome to back-to-school season: where the coffee is strong, the teens are cranky, and despite the free lunch the School Café account is always empty. But hey, at least you haven’t lost your sense of humor.
Godspeed, parents. Godspeed.
