Valentine’s Day is almost here and if you are lucky enough to have someone to spend it with, then good for you. If not, no worries, I have your back. What follows is a foolproof* list of guaranteed* to work ‘conversation starters’ and first date tips that will ensure* you not only get to spend Valentine’s Day with someone special, but form a lasting relationship to rival the greatest loves in history.
First – Our ‘Conversation Starters’
If you were a Transformer, you’d be Optimus FINE.
On a scale of one to 10, I’d give you a nine – and I’m the one you need!
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peel-ing.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
Are you a kleptomaniac? Because you just stole my heart.
Good thing I brought my library card, because I’m checkin’ you out.
If you were on paper, you’d be what they call ‘fine print!’
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I skinned my knee when I fell for you.
I'm not a photographer, but I can picture you and me together.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boy(Girl)friend material.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cute-cumber.
I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Ok, obviously by now you have scored your first date. Follow this advice to make sure you don’t blow it!
If you are at a restaurant, show your date how special you are by being rude to the wait staff.
Show him or her that you aren’t afraid of commitment by asking, “What do you think we should name our children?”
Be sure your date knows that family it important – bring your parents!
If your parents aren’t available, be sure to call them during dinner – frequently.
Tell your date about your hobbies. I promise they do want to hear about your latest Dungeons & Dragons campaign.
Show them that you have a solid dating history. Something like “My last girlfriend was much thinner, but I like your face,” should do the trick.
Be sure to talk about your cats – often and insistently.
Spend a lot of time on your phone – calling, texting, Facebook, etc. It shows how important you are. People love important people.
Bring up politics and then argue with everything they say. If they really believe in their stance, this shouldn’t be an issue.
Don’t shower before the date. An extra dose of cologne or perfume is fine. Showering is a lot of effort for a first date. You don’t even know if you really like this person.
Use as many puns as possible and laugh at your own jokes because you're hilarious. Also laugh at their jokes, but not as much as for your own jokes.
Insist that they pay. After all, they have had the pleasure of your company for the evening; they should want to pay for that experience.
There you have it! I guarantee* this advice will net you everlasting love. If this doesn’t work, then you obviously skipped a step or did something wrong along the way. If, after all this, you still find yourself single, please go back to the beginning and try again.
*This is advice is neither foolproof, guaranteed, nor ensured in any way, shape or form. As a matter of fact Webb Weekly and its subsidiaries highly recommend that you ignore any and all dating advice offered in this article. Webb Weekly will not be held responsible if following this advice results in being slapped and/or having a drink thrown in your face.